I lost
by klaruus
Summary: We have each other but we don't have love. Love is dangerous for us. Love could destroy us. The first one that falls in love has lost.


**Hi everyone! So this is a new story, one-shot, that formed in my head after listening to one song over and over again. So the song is Le Monde by M. Pokora. It is French and it basically talks about a man and a woman being very close but they both agreed that the first one to fall in love loses the game.**

 **I hope you like the story!**

 **I Lost**

TONY P.O.V.

It was morning, again, and I had to literally drag myself out of bed in order to get ready for work. Again. Work, work, work… some sleep… work again. It seemed to repeat every day, every week, all the time. There was nothing exciting about it anymore. I used to love my job; well I still did, but not the same way. I used to enjoy going to work, to see everyone, my family. But now I only enjoy the fact that I'm helping people. There's nothing in it for me anymore. I go to work; I see her and my world is turned upside down at the same moment. I love her.

But it wasn't always like that.

I don't even know when it started. It just happened. With time we used to grow closer to each other. We laid our lives on each other. We trusted each other with everything we had. After hard cases we learnt that we needed each other that we needed the closeness of each other to stay sane.

She wasn't looking for a serious relationship, I was afraid of being rejected. Trusting each other as much as we did, we decided to make a deal. We'd get to have each other every time we wanted. We'd get all the kisses, the hugs, everything except love. Love is what we were trying to avoid because love can destroy everything. Love would eventually interfere with our job. It could blind our rational thinking. Love could destroy us. So a game it was. We both loved a little adventure so, "Why not?" I said. She said she loved playing and that she was a bit crazy for doing something like that but why not? I knew I was crazy too but why not.

 _The one that falls in love first has lost._

I brought home girlfriends, she brought home boyfriends. It was like an open relationship but it was based on mutual respect.

It worked better than we could imagine; coworkers and partners at work, friends outside, something more at home, behind the walls of the outer world. As it worked, it was destined to fail. I know that now. I know that it wasn't meant to last as long.

Those long curls of hers. Those dark eyes. That smile. I only live for those.

Walking out of the elevator I see her sitting at her desk. She smiles at me with that bright smile of hers. _I love her smile._

Returning the smile I sit down behind my own desk, dropping the bag next to it. I turn on the computer and look at the blank screen.

"Morning boss." McGee says. I look up to greet Gibbs but my eyes stop at the sight of her. Her long curls. _I love her long curls._

I know Gibbs looked at me, surprised I haven't said anything this morning yet. I haven't made a comment about something yet. I know he knows I'm not okay. I know he'll try to talk to me. But I only trust her. I only tell her everything. _I love to trust her._

"No case today, looks like desk work." Gibbs says, still looking at me. I nod and start working.

Ziva looks at me and we keep eye contact for a second until I look away. I can't look at her eyes. _I love her eyes._

"Tony? Something wrong?" Gibbs asks. Why does he have to bother at all?

Continuing to type some report, I answer shortly, "Nope." I don't know if they now, but I see everything that's going on in the corner of my eyes. So I see him look at her with a worrying look on his face. I see her shrug with her shoulders and look back at me. I can feel her stare. I can feel her. _I love her closeness._

Ziva seems to be really worried about me. Seems. Worrying is love. We don't do love. I see her drop the gaze and start working on something.

McGee, trying to break the silence, starts talking, "So what are you guys doing tonight? I thought we could go out since it is Friday and we aren't on duty this weekend."

Ziva shook her head apologetically, "I can't. I have a date."

"With?" I ask a little bit too quickly.

"Does it matter?" She looks at my direction, probably angry, since we never ask those questions. It shouldn't matter who she has a date with. She never asks where I'm going, what I'm doing, who I'm meeting. Since we don't do love, we don't care. But there's a problem. I do care. I do love. _I love her._

I drop the subject and continue working. I shake my head; I can't just drop the subject. After a minute of silence I say, "Actually it does matter. It matters to me."

"Excuse me?" She asks angrily. "Since when does it matter?" She raises her voice, not minding the people around us. Not minding they don't know what it's all about.

"Since we made the deal. Since I get to see you every day. Since I have you all the time but at the same time I don't have you for myself. I actually don't even have you at all."

"But it's a deal! You can't break a deal like that!" she says loudly, walking around her desk to the middle of bullpen, me doing the same and standing just across each other, staring in each other's eyes.

"I get to have your kisses, I get to have your hugs, and I get to sleep next to you every night. But you know what I'll never get from you? Love. I guess I'll never have that."

"Tony, we don't fall in love! Remember we can't fall in love. We can't because it's dangerous! It'll kill us eventually, you agreed!"

"But I fell in love. I lost." felling the tears behind my eyes I looked down, away from her. I just wanted to go away, to leave all the pain behind. I didn't want the world to keep turning around her. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to forget everything. To forget her.

 _I was the first one to fall in love. I lost._

I feet a hand grab my arm and spin me around. I see her eyes. I see her mouth. _I love her mouth._ I see her hair. I see her.

"I guess we both lost." She whispers and kisses me, softly at first but deepens the kiss. I close my eyes and return the kiss. I let my hands wrap around her body and pull her closer to me. She wraps her hands around my neck. Eventually we have to break the kiss to get some air but I take advantage of the break to look at her eyes. And I see it. I see one feeling I thought I'd never see. I see love.

And I know it was dangerous loving someone who can get hurt any moment at job. I know it was dangerous loving someone you have to protect at work. I know it'll be hard. But I felt like we won, like we both won the game that was destined to destroy us. That would destroy us if we kept quiet.

 _We both lost. We won._

 _Never keep quiet. It's better to lose than to never know._

 **That's it. Tell me what you think, don't forget to review and favorite.**

 **I love you all guys!**

 **Klaruus**


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